Disclaimer: I recognize that there are many families who are not able to have children at all. I know that our four children are a great blessing and I am not trying to compare myself to someone who has never been able to have a baby. That being said…..
Today was the day we were supposed to have twins. They miscarried July 29 at ten weeks. I remember being so excited just to have one baby and that they would be Spring babies, my favorite. When we found out there were two, we were heartbroken. We said, “We would have loved them both, even if we couldn’t handle two more kids.” The recovery was difficult physically and emotionally. The kids were sad and confused, some cried for a long time and still do. The other said, “Well, now our family won’t change.” and proceeded to be a complete grump for two weeks. They didn’t know there were twins and we probably won’t tell them until they are older. We were kind of a mess and were so blessed to have understanding family, friends and co-workers who checked in on us.
I wanted to do something to remember them today. When I miscarried the baby three weeks ago, the hospital gave me a card saying that our babies remains would be buried at a nearby cemetery. I decided today would be a good day to got out there. I think that a difficult part of miscarriage is the closure is very different. I went out to the cemetery with the encouragement of my Aunt and I couldn’t find where the baby area was. I was getting a little bothered because I didn’t even know where my own baby was buried. I eventually found it and there were some baby graves but not for miscarried babies. I didn’t know if the ground was too frozen to bury the baby or what and it would happen later. I contacted the hospital to find out.
As I sat there looking at the headstones for these little ones, my heart broke for those families. The dreams that those children wouldn’t be able to fulfill. The lives they wouldn’t get the chance to lead. The love they wouldn’t be able to share. It is a hard reality to face. My miscarriages have all been around ten weeks but it was enough time to dream and hope for those babies. It was enough time to want to feed them, hold them, share them and lose sleep for them. It was enough time to start thinking about names, quilts, baby clothes and diapers. It was enough time to imagine them interacting with siblings and friends. It was enough time. And while I don’t think I had enough time with them, I do feel like I will have time with them someday. I will be able to care for them and love them and know them and they, me. I will be able to raise them in a happier and safer place. I will know them. I am grateful for that peace of mind. In sadness, you can still have optimism.
I picked up the kids from school and surprised them by taking them to our favorite fancy cupcake shop. They were thrilled. Then I told them that today was the day we would have had a baby and I wanted to do something to celebrate not only that baby, but the five babies we hadn’t gotten to keep. At first, I was hesitant to tell them because I didn’t want to bring up hard feelings but I was glad I did. There weren’t any tears but some sad faces and a, “Are we ever going to have a baby, Mom?” And I said “Maybe not, but that will make it even sweeter when you have your babies someday, won’t it?” I wanted to recognize these little spirits that were chosen to come to our family for a short time.
We went next door to a cute little boutique we usually go to after cupcakes. The lady recognizes us now and is always friendly. Suddenly, I wanted to do something kind for someone. I just felt like we could take this hard day and give it some joy. I gathered the kids and told them we were going to give the lady our extra cupcake we had bought for Blake.(We bought another one for Blake, of course!) They were so excited and it made her day. We left feeling happier and the cloud had lifted a bit. I don’t say this to toot my own horn, in any way. In fact, I was hesitant to share it. But I wanted to share that we can see through the gloom and bring light. We can remember our sadness and heartaches and try to make something positive out of them. It doesn’t take away the ache but it can give us something else to focus on besides the ache. So, March 1 will be the day that we do something special in remembrance of our babies. I want the kids to remember that we have five waiting for us and that families are connected, even if we aren’t in the same place.
This was the baby area of the cemetery.
The kids and the cupcakes.