Anyone can Write · Iowa · Miscarriage and loss · running · Tell Your Story

Running Dreams

A year ago, I was very prepared to run a half marathon. And I did it! After eight months of consistent running through snow, ice, humidity, rain, fog, etc I had built up my running skillz (ha) and completed an item on my bucket list.  I felt very accomplished.  My family was proud of me. I felt strong and happy.

Fast forward a year, I ran home from our mechanic (4.5 miles) yesterday and it was plain hard.  I mostly ran it/jogged it.  I listened to conference talks and music.  I stopped and walked with a sweet old lady for a block.  It was very fulfilling.  But it was hard to face the facts that there was no way I could run a half marathon today, tomorrow or a week from now.  All that hard work had disappeared.

After the two miscarriages, I had let my running fall to the side.  I was sad.  I had a hard time.  I didn’t feel motivated to run, let alone walk.  The physical recovery was difficult.  It was hard to see that yesterday.  It was frustrating.  But it was also empowering.  I had done it before.

I could do it again.

And I would do it again.

I don’t know that I will specifically train for a half marathon again.  It is a lot of work and commitment.  It’s hard and summer is brutally humid, even at 6 am.  My running friend Sheila told me about a 16 mile trail run in October.  That sounds amazing. I know I could be ready by then.  And I will probably bawl my eyes out by the end of it because I will have reached another goal.

Especially after having the baby dream go away, maybe not forever, but for now.  I guess life is about sucking it up sometimes, feeling the pain sometimes and moving forward all the time.  Even though I had moved backwards.  In college, I would run to stay in shape, more for physical reasons than anything else.  But now I run to be mentally in shape and to be a good example for my family. Sure, it’s nice to have looser clothes.  And I know I sound like one of those crazy runners who say that running is their sanity.

But it is.

I always go back to running.  I love the solitude. I love disappearing in the woods, seeing amazing houses along the way and running up hard hills. I also love running down the hills because it’s easy.  I love hearing the birds twittering and seeing squirrels chase each other.  I love doing something hard and solitary.

For now, I will continue on this running journey because it truly is a journey.  And I will see what comes.  I know peace of mind will come. I know that strength will come.  And I welcome them with open arms.


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