I’ll admit when I saw “future” as today’s word, I was like, “I have written about this a million times.” Which I have. But today when I was going through my soon to be middle schoolers back pack and surrounded by all my kid’s school projects and pictures, I got a bit teary.
We’re about to enter a new phase of life. It is all the kids in school phase. And I’m kind of on the fence about the whole thing. Yes, I get a lot done when the kids are at school. Yes, I have started running again and taking better care of myself. Yes, I have a few minutes to breathe during the day. I even get a weeBut, man, I love my little people. They are my sanity and insanity. They are my social interaction and my hugs and love. It’s weird that we are at this place now.
Twelve years ago began my journey of motherhood. And here I am typing in a quiet bedroom while my daughter plays piano, my boys read and my other daughter cleans her room. This wasn’t my reality twelve years ago. It wasn’t my reality last year. And I know it won’t always be my reality during the summer. But at this moment, this is it. There is something to be said for living in the moment and not wishing for the future.
Because whether you live in the moment or not, the future comes. The time ticks by, sometimes like lightening and sometimes at the speed of a snail. But it passes. And you find yourself in a different phase, trying to find out what happened to all that time.
Now, I feel like we have spent a good allotment of quality and quantity time together as a family. We have worked, played, learned, prayed, cried, yelled and had a lot of fun. And I have made a serious effort to try to enjoy each day. But sometimes I haven’t and sometimes I have. And still the time has gone by. My heart doesn’t ache for my kids to be small. I am excited for their new adventures and what they will do. But I ache a bit for myself. I ache for the mom who didn’t know she wanted to be a mom until she was a mom. I ache for the heart that has broken a little at the knowledge that my oldest only has six summers left at home. And that the other three will follow close behind.
Now, to not make this completely depressing, I am sitting in a somewhat messy house that needs help. And I am sure we will be “kicking butt” (fighting) and cleaning tomorrow. But I just needed this moment to reflect and think on my growing children and the roles we all hold now. They are different than they used to be but different isn’t bad. Different can be amazing. Different is good. And while I am in amazement about the passing of time and how even five years ago, I had three kids at home and one in school and the days were slower, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Not the stinky diapers.
Not the tantrums (they still happen).
Not the constant “Moms” (still a thing).
Not a thing in the world.
Confession: This took ten minutes.