Anyone can Write · Family · Iowa · Miscarriage and loss · Motherhood · running · Tell Your Story · Today was... · Writing about Writing

Wrestling with God

I have still been writing faithfully everyday, so no fear out there all you readers (wink, wink, hey, mom).  I’ve been writing more quick snippets on Instagram as summer doesn’t lend tons of time to lots of laptop writing.  But that’s ok. I love spending it with my kids.

I woke up at 5:15 AM today.  William snuggled into bed with Blake and I (we’ve given up on that one) and there I was snuggled next to a 5 1/2 year old and I couldn’t fall asleep again.  But I could hear the birds and I could see the light over the horizon and the trees swaying.  It was a cool morning, unusual for August in the Midwest.  It was time for a run.

I haven’t been running as much either.  I would have to get up early to get out there and the humidity has been murder recently.  But today was a perfect day for it.  The kids were fast asleep and Blake was still home, so I was out of there.  It felt good to go wherever the wind took me. Literally, there was one point when I was guessing where I was.  These little streets have so many twists and turns, you could get lost.

But whenever I am feeling the stress, I always go back to two things: running and writing.  They are my healing balm.  They are my calming center.  I run it out and then I write it out.  I was meaning to listen to some conference talks but one of my sweet kids had sped up the voice on my podcasts and I didn’t know how to reset it.  So, I turned my music on shuffle.

A song from Coldplay came on that said, “Just be patient, don’t worry.”  That was my message for today.  As I have struggled through my place in life and where I belong and what I should do next, this needs to be my mantra.  I have considered getting a part time job at the school this coming year but am unsure about balancing that with the motherly/wifely duties I have going.  But really, if I am following my new mantra, I should just go for it.

It will help me to get out of the house, help pay off student debt (you evil stuff!) and I could see the kids.  All things I need to do.  Plus, it would help me through this new stage I’ve entered.  There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about Alma “wrestling with God.”  I thought a lot today about my wrestle with God.  What I want is not what is right for me right now.  What I want is to have a baby for our family. What I want is to stay in familiar territory.

It’s funny how 12 years ago, I became a mother and wondered how I would ever get used to it and now I am wondering how I will get used to doing something new.  Life is always that way.  You get used to something and then it changes.  So, you grow and you learn and you mess up and try again.  I know I will always be a mom.  I am so grateful for that. It’s just the role I am in is changing and I need to learn to adapt with it and to enjoy what is coming!

I thought I would find more references to “wrestling with God” in the scriptures but those words aren’t used often.  I think the wrestle part is often me, not Him.  It’s me not being willing or able to accept His will.  Although I know His will is best.  It is what will make me happy, and if not happy, at peace.  I know we were created to have joy.  We can have joy while having the hard stuff.  It’s all about how we react and adapt to life and it’s whirlwinds.

I don’t see anything wrong with wrestling to find answers. I believe it makes you stronger and increases your independence on God but in that wrestle, you have to be willing to accept God’s will.  And know that He knows you perfectly, what you are capable of and what you will become.  So, I will hopefully wrestle less and accept more.  Not wishing for what could be but being grateful for what is.  In this place of accepting, there is room for sadness.  There is room for grief.  But the happiness needs to be abundant.

My Aunt Joyce wrote me an email once as she has experienced miscarriages as well. I will never forget one line that said, “quiet reverence”.  That should thinks of her baby with quiet reverence.  That was nearly 40 years ago.  I am looking forward to that day when this is passed but in a  way, it never will be passed.  I will always miss those babies, I will always want them.  But I can accept how things are now. I can “be patient and don’t worry.”

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